And I don't mean the vacation kind of long road. I wish I did. That would have been far better.
Instead, I mean this kind of long road...
(and yes, that's my hand with an IV in it...and my new cat, Fluffball.
The story there is Daniel wants us to get a new cat that's white and name it Fluffball- hmm, maybe I said; then my mom got me this super soft white stuffed cat and so I named it Fluffball with Daniel's permission!)
Long road indeed...
...the kind where 18 days indeed feels veeeeerrrrrryyy long.
...the kind where it is incredibly heart-wrenching watching your babies walk away from you every. single. day.
...the kind where you see upwards of 18 doctors and withstand countless procedures and tests.
...the kind where you just want to GO HOME. Pretty please.
...the kind where at
long last HOME is the BEST place in the world to be.
I endured this long road home in the hospital for 3 weeks thanks to acute gallstone pancreatitis. It was SO not fun. It's funny, I just really had no idea what this even meant, that this would even mean such a long hospital stay. How naive I was. You may Google it if you wish- I will not, I'd just rather not know, I'll go from personal experience thank you.
It all started during the kids' last week of school- I simply felt incredibly uncomfortable heartburn, or so I thought. It just kept persisting, but it would also disappear now and then. I couldn't think what a doctor would even make of it, so I pushed through it on my own. If I'd only known. The kids got out of school, we celebrated with dinner out, we went to parks, we went to the Arboretum, we had ice cream treats- all while I was becoming more and more uncomfortable. I finally went to the doctor the Tuesday after Memorial Day, the day after our family fun at the Arboretum. The doctor said meh, it'll pass in a day or so, or you'll get sicker and go to the ER. Guess which happened? That very night I was in such excruciating pain I
really couldn't stand it any longer and then I was also getting very sick. It was after midnight when we finally bit the bullet and went to the ER. It was time to go and it's a darn good thing I did go. They didn't waste much time getting me seen. And a blood test
quickly revealed pancreatitis, which is a ticket straight upstairs do not pass go...for the long haul apparently. Especially when you have what all my doctors said was the worst case of acute gallstone pancreatitis they'd seen in a while. Lovely, eh?
By 4:00 AM I had a room to call my very own. Annabel and Daniel quickly made me lots of art to decorate it. Gosh I missed my babies from the very beginning and I thought about them all night...how must it feel to wake up in the morning to Grandpa there to say Mommy was in the hospital? I couldn't even imagine. I didn't want to imagine, but that was their new reality. Ben stayed with me as much as he could that first day and my parents helped out tremendously, between being there for my kids and husband and being there for me in the hospital. The first days were juggled like this and I was pretty much out of it and have otherwise very little recollection of it all. I remember lots of procedures and tests. I remember lots of sleep. I remember lots of pain meds.
Ben finally brought the kids to visit me after a couple days when I was a tad more alert, especially once we knew I really was staying for a while and would not be coming home. The kids sweetly came bearing lots of art for my room, Ben brought tape so I could have all this wonderful art on display. (The nurses ALL loved my walls full of art and they loved my children- there were never any children on my floor, so mine were treasured!) My kids brought books to sit and read with me, they took me for walks on my floor once I was finally up and about (a bit later on in my stay), they brought me legos to build (a teeny tiny turtle set- so cute!) and games to play (Uno!). They made me smile just to see their faces each and every time. And they broke my heart every time they left.
Annabel LOVED visiting me- at least she seemed to. She was always so happy to see me, full of love and smiles and kisses. And she loved being able to help me out, counting my breaths in my breathing apparatus that I had to do, holding my hand for walks, and so on. Daniel, my sweet sensitive little boy, took it all internally- who knows what was going through his mind except that things were different, things had changed and he doesn't like change. He did not love coming to the hospital. Seeing me must have been hard for him, I didn't look like me at all, what with my feeding tube and wires all over the place. I completely understood how he was feeling and what he was going through. This was their summer, too, and they just wanted to have fun; coming to the hospital daily was not part of anyone's plan! I can't say I blame them. But I was ever so happy to see them every chance I got- I lived for those moments.
This picture- it kept me going.
Anyway, I had
lots of support. My room looked like a florists' shop with all the bouquets I was sent from people near and far. My Aunt Jackie sent a sweet angel bear. My mom was there every day and for that I am forever grateful- I can't even begin to say how I loved it; I loved having her company and her care and even her worries. I loved having her there to talk to doctors because how can you talk to doctors when you are doped up on meds- I do not get that, I always wanted someone with me because I wouldn't remember things 5 minutes later. Mom and I would watch The Price is Right (my one happy in the hospital- I LOVE The Price is Right! and we don't have TV at home, not like that, so I liked watching it during my stay), Wheel of Fortune, Chain Reaction (a word game), and of course HGTV (no food channels- that would just make me sick!). My dad would come and sit with me at night as I fell asleep and I could just
feel his presence in the room as I drifted off; it was the best. My brother and sister both came for visits when they could, taking me for walks on my floor, holding my hand. All would play countless games of Uno with me during my last three days in the hospital, when I was finally up to it. My dear friend Patricia, when I was finally up to texting, would be there to talk to me and distract me anytime I needed to get out of my head and out of my hospital room- and I was just so glad she was there for me whenever I needed her, just a text away. I know that so many people, friends, family, people I don't even know who know my friends and family, were all thinking of me and praying for me. I emailed another dear friend (one who sadly moved away last summer) after I finally did get home and she said I'd been persistently on her mind and now she knew why- it gave me the chills and the warm fuzzies at the same time. The world really does work in mysterious ways. It brings tears to my eyes to think this. You get wake up calls like this that let you know you are cared for and that you are in not control and that life is just really precious. Thinking back on my days in the hospital, I see now that I always
felt the thoughts and prayers of all these amazing people in my life and I believe it really did
pull me through.
One day in the hospital I was under gown orders for all who entered my room. I was SO sick that day. I was nervous about how the kids would take it, but they did great. Annabel thought it was rather fun! She looked so cute.
One of my favorite nurses, Rachael, adored my kids and she sweetly offered to get them popsicles. Daniel and Annabel were delighted! Rachael also pegged me as an elementary teacher. I just loved that she thought of me beyond the hospital walls, she saw me as a person, and just really cheered me on and celebrated my improvements. She was wonderful.
Did I mention that we had a 2 week vacation planned for the end of
June? That first week I was in the hospital, the first week of June, gosh I was still in denial, I really believed
this would all be fixed fast and I would be home real soon and we would
still take that 2 week vacation at the end of June. I think it finally
sank in the second week...I was here to stay, our dreamy 2 week vacation
to Disney World and Legoland and the beach in Florida were all just
that...dreamy and they would stay that way, a dream. One by one, each
part would get cancelled. Our poor vacation. My poor babies. Those boxes
that the kids both packed FULL of books all the way back in January- oh
my heart broke to think we wouldn't need any of the things we bought
and had already set aside, beach towels, sand molds, beach bags, a book of Florida shells and so on. This trip has been in the works for over a
year. We needed this trip. It was rather devastating to me to cancel it all. Thankfully, the kids handled it very well.
They mostly just wanted me to come home. I wanted that, too. And I just really
had to focus on that being the good part- HOME. Because that alone would
feel amazing, I knew. We can take vacations another time.
Heck- we told the kids we might even make this trip into TWO vacations
AND even pull them out of school to make 'em happen- that right there
sounded pretty darn good to the kids. So I think we pulled it off.
Still, my heart hurts that my summer was basically ruined.
I
felt robbed. I wanted those 3 weeks of my summer back. I wanted that
time with my kids. They were out of school, at home, where I wanted them
and where I wanted to be with them. I felt so left out and left behind
and alone during a time that was supposed to be all fun and happy happy
happy summer. It was not an easy time for me at all. I would not get
those 3 weeks of my kids' life back.
Meanwhile, back at home...here's what I was missing...
Forts being made.
Movies in the basement to stay cool on some really hot summer days...
Annabel took an art class and made these amazing pictures!
She shared them with me on Skype and I was blown away.
Definitely framing these!
Creating fun!
Lego building fun!
The day I was
discharged from the hospital was just the best, the happiest. It did
send my family reeling and whirling to clean the house and get it ready
for my arrival home though, since it was sort of sudden (we'd thought
they would wait till Monday to discharge me, but Saturday morning all
the docs were okay you're doing great let's get you home, I didn't complain!). We borrowed a
bed from my parents, which Ben set up in his office so I had a door and space and darkness and I didn't have to go up
the stairs at first (I could barely walk, I was still really tender and
had very little strength and energy). Annabel and Daniel made a
"Welcome Home" banner for my new bedroom. My bed was sweetly made up
with cozy sheets and my favorite fuzzy heart blanket. I had my journal, a
nice soft light, and a bell at my bedside ready to call for assistance.
Annabel left a sweet heart and an "I love you" bookmark on that bedside
table, too. It was amazing.
When Ben came to bring me home, and we pulled out
of the hospital drive, it was so weird to be out. And everything was SO
green. Summer had started without me. We pulled into our driveway and
the kids ran out and I burst into tears. I had my kids back!! It was just the best. It was SO what I needed. Daniel was
immediately himself-
such an amazing transformation really. Annabel led me by hand into the house and into
my new bedroom- oh so sweet. Ben scrambled off to the grocery store to
get foods I could eat that fit my new diet- verrry low fat and low fiber
(it's not a bit fun) and easy to digest; we don't want to make my body have to work hard at all. The kids had a ball showing me things and just talked non-stop. It was great. I was
so happy. AND- I was home in time for Father's Day- Annabel said that my being home was the best Father's Day present ever! I even had cards for Ben and my dad for the occasion. (I later also had a card ready for our anniversary. Mind you, I hadn't set foot in a store in over a month. Ben blurted out- where are you getting these cards from?! I laughed and said I'd bought them back in mid-May. Talk about being grateful to be prepared!!) I didn't do much those first few days at home, but rest rest rest and just take it way easy. We did celebrate my homecoming by watching the new Batman Lego movie DVD which had arrived while I was in the hospital and we waited till I was home to watch it. It was a good first night, all snuggled up with my babies.
Nights were hard at first- I almost missed my
hospital bed, just the way that it could adapt to whatever angle I
wanted. I was nervous to not have doctors to make sure things were
indeed still okay. But we made it. Day by day I got stronger. I took
walks around the cul-de-sac once or twice a day to build up strength.
Little by little my appetite returned. But even now, I'm still regaining
strength and I'm still resting and taking it easy. It's just been a
long road. And I want to stay as healthy as possible so my gallbladder
surgery can happen! And then we can move the heck on! I'm ready. I want
to plan our do-over vacations. I want to bake and eat my kids' first
day of school cookies. I want to feel normal. It'll happen. All in good
time, right?
HOME SWEET HOME!!!
Show and tell time!
Speaking of the first day of school and moving on...as I write this, the kids go back to school in 5 weeks. Too
soon. And my gallbladder surgery will be one week before they go back.
My friend said it well- what a way to bookend the summer, start it in
the hospital, end it with surgery. But the way I see it, I'll get to just
really enjoy these 4 weeks before the surgery while I'm relatively strong, rather than have these
last weeks interrupted with a surgery that will weaken me again for a short time. It will all work out for the best, I'm
sure. I'll take these 4 weeks gladly and enjoy my children as much as I can. We play games and Legos and draw at the table. We snuggle and watch movies. We read a lot. We've adapted and we've got this figured out. We are all just really happy I'm home.
This long road I've been on, I'm still on it,
really. Like I said, day by day I get stronger. I learn my limits real fast. I can do
about 1 or 2 small activities a day and then I'm wiped, and I do mean wiped. It's been a very emotional road, too. I must have gone through every emotion possible while in the hospital, and even once I was home and figured out my limits (which let me down a lot). I have to take it easy. I have to take care of myself. I have to be with my family. I have to get my sleep. I am so glad to just be healthy and HERE. I'm
here and it's
good. Life
is precious. I've learned that lesson real hard. I make sure I hug my babies as much as I can and I make sure they know how much they are loved.
Daniel and Annabel- you can't possibly know how much I missed you when I was in the hospital, how much I love you, will ALWAYS love you. Annabel says she loves me more and now she adds "it's way more possible than you think" with that glint in her eye...but I beg to differ. Or maybe we do just love each other the same, as she once huffed to me. I kept saying to Ben, just make sure they know I do and did and will
always love them with all my heart, just make sure...no matter what.
So. That's why I've sort of disappeared from blogging. This time I had a real excuse, right?
I'm back now.
